Friday, January 06, 2006

Regret kills me!

This has been one of the hardest weeks for me! After Jonathan wrote that blog i started thinking, I am not where i should be and I think people see that and its not that i don't want to be there i do i just get lazy and busy and forget about what i am here for. Sometimes i try to play it off like i am all christian when my christian friends ask me or talk to me about it, but then when my nonchristian friends are around i act like i am not. I am one of those people that God hates. Well, Christmas Eve one of my really good friends at school was shot and I didn't hear about it until she called me New Years Day. She was supposed to be fine! She called me at like 10 AM and at 7:51 PM she died. Yesterday, i drove to Savannah at 7 AM and went to her funeral. I went by myself and just thought the whole way down there. I am always trying to do things for myself and my mom always asks "have you prayed about it?" I never do! Jenn Ross wasn't perfect but she was amazing! She was the most confident person i know and you could ask her anything and she would answer honestly no matter how uncomfortable it made her. She was everyones friend and didn't label people. Where I go to school at Mercer High as we call it, everyone is labeled you are Phi Mu, ADPi, Chi Omega, Alpha Gamma Delta, all the frats, BSU, or you are GDI (Gosh Darn Independent), but to Jenn we were all just people. She was a Chi Omega, but her best friends were GDI's and Phi Mu's and they were freshmen and she was a sophomore. I looked up to her so much she was one of my first friends at Mercer and i will remember her forever. This semester will be hard though because we scheduled a couple of our classes together because we have the same major.

At the funeral yesterday I felt disconnected and almost like i shouldn't be there. I am a very independent person and i don't like tons of people knowing my business and sometimes i don't want anyone to know, but i am missing out on a more incredible life. People ask me whats up and i say nothing when there is something i am hurt. I am lost inside and i feel like i am drowning. I almost feel like i don't have a heart anymore or its just broken and doesn't work anymore. I should have cried I was sad she was my friend and I just sat there and did what the bulletin said to do. I know people deal with death different i just feel heartless right now. Prayer scares me! I pray every night but when it comes to deep praying outloud i am scared out of my mind.

To top things off Caleb called last night, I don't know how he knows when i am low but he always calls those days. This time like everytime he wants me back and I don't know how many times i have heard that from him just in the last few months and i can't take it anymore. All I get out of our relationship is confusion and hurt. I can't deal with him, school starting, and Jenn's death by myself and I know there will probably something else to add to that list soon because when u are low things just pile on.

I want my life back! I feel like i wake up every morning for someone else maybe my parents or friends or someone but not for me. My New Years Resolution was to stop worrying, but now its to have better relationships with God, friends, parents everyone! If I do that everything else will fall into place i just need to get my train back on the tracks. I need to stop faking a life that i am not having. I do love college, but on some level i am not happy.

I love all of you and i don't want you to ever forget that and if u need anything i am just a phone or drive away (macon isn't that far)! I wish Jenn Dying didn't bring me to this, but maybe that was God's plan for Jenn's family and friends. I needed a reality check and now i have one.

1 comment:

samantha said...

love you, too.