Monday, November 07, 2005

Epiphanies Rock!

So as many of you know I have no guy in my life anymore and its really really hard on me. I try my hardest so that no one sees my pain and so that no one knows i am hurting. I am dying on the inside though and all i think about is the guy that isn't in my life anymore. He was such a HUGE part of me and who i was that sometimes i am just lost. His new girlfriend won't let me talk to him and that is probably a good thing, but still painful! Not many people at Mercer even know that i had a boyfriend to begin with and everyone that knows we broke up think i am over him because i act like it. I really am trying to be over him, but everything reminds me of him even when i am on a date with another guy i remember dates we had and so on. It kinda sucks a lot!!! Nevermind not kinda IT SUCKS!!!

To the point of this now that i feel completely sorry for myself and want to crawl in a hole! Today a church the preacher was talking about "Do You Want a Different Life?" and I realized that even though i am acting perfectly fine I am not and i want to live a full life that doesn't have him in it. One of the points he said that made me realize this is he was saying reasons that we say and the one that i was saying while i was with that guy was "No, this life may not be the best, but it's what I know. I feel secure here." This is what i felt for him I may have loved him to an extent, but it was mainly just a feeling of being secure. I knew how being with him felt like and even though it wasn't the best i didn't want to move because i would be opening myself up to something that unknown and i would be out of my comfort zone. I have learned that in college your not going to feel comfortable all the time. You are going to have to be in situations you don't want to be in, but you need to stay because you don't want a friend to get hurt or staying there may be better than the alternative.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Its sorta like the man that was lame and came through the roof and: Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk. At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked." John 5:8-9

I am still hurting and i am still not telling anyone (well i guess i told yall) but i have realized that its not my thing anymore I dont even want that life. That was the secure life and i want to live the best life i can have and he wasn't it. I bet yall didn't really care to know about my problems with that kid i used to date, but my mom would be happy because she knows i am just keeping it inside and it is breaking her heart. I didn't cry about it at all until one time when i was a at about a month ago and she asked me how i was doing and i just broke down. I couldn't take it anymore! Everyone please pray that i won't think about him anymore and i can move on and have a better life!

I will finish with this because the preacher did!



P.S. sorry this is so long! I love you guys!

1 comment:

Ashley said...

I totally understand what you are going through. It does suck! When I was in high school I dated this guy for over a year and I loved him sooo much, or so I thought at the time. Even though there were things about our relationship and with him that I knew weren't exactly what I wanted, it was comfortable and fun. When we broke up I was so heartbroken that I didn't think I could go on. Truly, the strength of relying on God and the encouragement of my family and friends is what got me through it. And it was a LONG time before I got over him. I don't say this to be discouraging, but so that you can prepare yourself for the journey. We dated for 1 yr and 3 months and it took me 7 months to get over him. My story is a tiny bit different because I saw him and his new girlfriend at school everyday and at church all the time, and on the cross country team, so maybe the distance will make it a little easier. But just know that you've done the right thing and it will take time. Here's the verse I posted all over my room and in my heart to help me get through it:

"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

Persevere Callie! The best news is that right now I am dating the guy that fits my list (yes, I actually sat down one time and made a list!) perfectly. He is such a Godly man, enjoys the same things as me, funny, attractive, a family guy, even such silly things as he loves the Braves. Persevere and know that the reward will be worth all that you are going through right now. God has never been unfaithful before and He's not going to start now. I'm praying for you girl...I know what you are feeling.